Reflections In A Broken Mirror
by Chronofus 7PM 11/6/1999
I caution you this poem is deeply personal and quite sad.....
and I know the start makes no sense
I watched myself die today, the pieces of my life fell from me, stripped away like the fragments of a shell as the reason for my life slowly collapsed to leave me empty. My soul caved in until finally I was gone.
Yet my death had no reason, the angel of my blessing spoke words I did not hear, she spoke meaning I did not know, all she said passed me by. I saw movement and heard sound, and yet the truth of her life remained shrouded from me as though looking through a smoky window.
And so my mind leapt and raced with possibilities. It leapt with possibilities of fear, and it raced unto it's end with a burden of pain. I fear my angel has chosen another to bless and I fear my love has created a new life without me.
I plucked this pain from the air on my own, no one made it or brougth it forth as a gift for me. It's a pain I made on my own, and now I am burdened by it so much I can no longer live.
Today I killed the one special thing that kept me alive. I took a knife and cut out my heart. It carried to much, it cared too much. It was overburdened by dreams that could never be, it wished wishes it could not have. It's hope for a future of happiness ended forever today.
And so my life died. It died under a barrage of pain, yet no gun launched the shells falling upon me, no word was spoken to tell me they were fired, no messenger arrived carrying thoughts of ill omen and yet I have exploded into tiny pieces under its weight.
I am over, I am done, my angel of blessing has eclipsed my sun.
I took the shattered fragments of my being and threw them in the pit of the abyss. No more shall my heart beat. Now the pieces shall forever be tormented by demons in the great below. I leave it there to walk in the thorny memories of a past that will never have a future, a past who's possibilities of hope will never be. I leave it to dwell in a maze of possibilities it can never make happen, in a twisted world of broken futures that will never sprout and grow into life.
My heart had nothing to look forward to, no soft touch of a blessed angel would it have known again. No quiet inner peace of a loving hug would calm it again. Nothing would ever brighten the night of my shattered heart again. Nothing, nothing, it's future would forever be nothing.
It had to die, I couldn't live with it aching, I couldn't carry it's weight, I couldn't nurture a thing that forever would never heal. I could not leave it to suffer until it died of it's own withering. I can't do it, I can't.
No longer can I go on, I am weary, I am overcome.
I taste my salty tears, I cry for my loss, I cry for all that will never be. Oh my heart, I cry till you are drained, I cry until I can cry no more. I am drowning in this sea of tears, flooded by grief, wracked by waves of pain that shiver through my body leaving me shaking uncontrollably on the floor as all the happiness I have known shudders and coagulates within my body, as it bleeds from my skin, my blood shot eyes, as it pours forth like a river from my screaming mouth it is going, it is gone, it has flowed away and left me drained.
Oh my heart, forgive me my sin. I took the one thing that made me happy and cruely and purposefully did I murder you. 'tis better for me to take the life of my heart than to leave it to die at the hands of one who will never feel for it's loss or to leave it pass away alone and unloved, shrunken and pale in the dark recesses, forgotten. Today I take your life so that at least I may mourn for my own passing.
I knelt before the altar of Love, I lifted my hands up high. Oh great dream of my life, my hearts time had come. No longer could I leave it in pain, here I sacrificed it to you. No one needed it here, I offered it up to you. Love feast upon my beating heart, quench your thirst on my flowing blood. Oh my poor heart, your time had come, your time had come. In time you would become hard as stone, harder than the steel of the knife I used against you. How could I let you become something other than my heart?
What could I do? What else could I do? I couldn't let you wander alone, lost and terrified in the night of lost souls. Our angel of blessing has gone, we have no direction to follow. No beacon guides our way, no winds fill our sails. Wither do we go? For we have no home, no hearth, no fireplace which to warm ourselves, no love to shelter us from the storms of life. We have no love, no love, for it is gone. Oh my angel of blessing, your love is gone.
I fear to beg you not to go. Please do not leave me here alone. I know my humble words would not bend your will, there is nothing I can do to turn the tides of the ocean. I cannot stop the moon in it's tracks and let it hang there to guide my night or reflect in the eyes of my loved one.
Oh moonbeam, moonbeam, love is gone. What do we do here in this cold night? I cannot see where I am going, I cannot see what I have become. Moonbeam, moonbeam, don't reflect on my broken heart so, it shames me to say I broke it myself. Don't remind me of what I already know.
Oh moonbeam, I whipser my secret to you. I am alone, I am frightened. I don't want to die.
Oh my murdered heart, how I clutch you to my breast. Come back, come to life, what have I done? It is time to go, I hear her footsteps coming. I feel the the welling of ill omen in the still air. I know the end is coming soon. Without my heart I no longer care. I have no future, and my past will not keep me alive.
All is black, all is black. The end is nigh, oh please my angel, please come back.
I hear her coming, she is armed only with words. Sweat vibrations of air that will leave all it passes as it was before, but those syllables are the ones that will forever end me. They will tear into me and shred me till I am gone. I have no defence, no protection. Oh my angel of blessing, you gave birth to the love of my heart. Please don't take your child so and bestow it upon another.
The angel of my blessing is coming, she wears the wings of death. The angel that grew my love brings the same tenderness, tonight she brings the same halo I fell in love with. She shines from those bright eyes that once lit my life, the warmth of her heart that once thawed my world, tonight again it radiates from her skin. Tonight she brings all her gifts with her again, but tonight all that I loved about her, my angel of blessing, she takes back.
I see her coming, I feel no pain. I am hollow now. A broken body, devoid of warmth and life. I sit calmly and placidly waiting for the end. I can do nothing, I have no defence. The best of me is gone, the meaning of life is lost, what do I care now but to end it all? What do I care? Truly what is left for me to lose? My heart is dead, it is dead. It's final, there is no more, there is no resurrection. There is no future hope, there is no longer a dream for another chance, there is no longer a prospect of some final miracle of salvation that can save me from this end.
Come take me angel. Let it end. Yes, let it end. Blow me that one last kiss that will bring down the skeleton of my world of dreams. Let the balance come and make the world as it was before I came. All I built before has ended today. It has no meaning, no purpose. Let it return from whence it came, let there be at least some hope that the fragments of my world will be used by another to make the pieces of their own world. Recycle me back to where I sprang from, let the elements of my life become the building blocks of anothers dreams, so that in some way at least my passing will help another achieve what I could not. Give me peace at least in hope for another's achievement.
She is here now, her hand is upon me, her wings surround me. The cold air whirls around me, I am surrounded, cacooned forever in a world of her making. She leans down, my angel of blessing, her kiss gives me her final gift, one last touch from my angel of blessing, my angel of death.
Sshhhh, sshhhh. Sleep now my loved one. I know that you tried. I hold you in my arms, I see time is frozen. At least now your pain has stopped, at least now you can rest. I am your goddess, come to claim you at last. Though none mourn your passing I come to take you away. So proudly did you bear your gift of love, so cruely was it taken away.
Sleep, sleep, let trouble pass you not. In blissful slumber wile your time away. Nothing can touch you now my dear. You walk in the chambers of the great below, where no more will you feel the pain. No sun will touch your cheeks, no breeze will ruffle your hair. Your days will be dark, and quiet and stone, but how much darker were they before.
I cradle you like the love was born to you, I weep my gentle tears on your skin. You're pale now, so pale without the glow of love, I forgot how you shone. It made me feel good to see you happy, I didn't know if you could smile again. How joyful it was to see a girl in your heart, to see it beat again. But I fear it has beat it's last. Your time has come to rest.
I can bless with my touch, you can rise up as once before. But now you have no heart, you have taken it and torn it asunder. You can walk again as many men have risen and lived without a heart. Their numbers grow day by day, hollow shells living by the numbers. How cruel could I be to let you live that way? You would never be the same. You would never again be the one I watched over, the one to bring joy to my heart.
So sleep now, sleep. Your time has come. I can't help you now, there's nothing I can do. I'll weep my last tears, I am sad to see you go. Here, let me hold you, carry you in my arms. If only I could carry you home.